Bird Is the Word: What Event Each Thanksgiving Food Would Be
Thanksgiving is, along with Super Bowl Sunday and the Fourth of July to an extent, one of the few days of the year in which stuffing your face is not only encouraged but is the normal way to go about your day. You wake up to a giant breakfast, only to have another giant meal a few hours later and then, wouldn’t you know it, ANOTHER meal a few hours later. Of course, the actual time at which you eat dinner is an incredibly important question, and along with whether or not one’s family runs marathons on Thanksgiving are two of the few holiday-related things that can make or break a relationship. With the extra time at home this year due to the pandemic, I thought I might flex my creative chops once again and try and figure out what event each Thanksgiving dish would be. Some (the turkey) were easy, while others (green bean casserole) required some mental gymnastics to the point that it would make Simone Biles blush.
Turkey: 50/100 Freestyle
Just as having a good sprinter is vital to having a successful team, turkey is easily the visual symbol of Thanksgiving. Think about it. What is the first picture you see on 99% of the online recipes that tell you their entire life story and then some before admitting that they bought the bird at Costco and then stuck it in the oven at 350 for three hours? Yep, the turkey. I will admit that the most recognized relay spot is the anchor, but you need to have a good leadoff swimmer to get you out to a good start, and turkey serves as that starter. If we’re being honest here, the turkey makes you fall asleep pretty fast-faster than it takes you to swim a 50 freestyle.
Mashed Potatoes and Gravy: 500 free
If the turkey is leadoff for the free relay, then mashed potatoes is the anchor. Think about it, it makes total sense. Turkey is almost always the first thing you get, and the taters are almost always taken last, finishing off what is already shaping up to be an absolutely stellar meal. When put together, they’re downright magical, almost to the point that they overtake the fabled popcorn chicken and mashed potato combo from elementary school. There’s nothing like making a gravy volcano. They’re two of the biggest highlights of Thanksgiving dinner.
I put it as the 500 because, well, it just felt appropriate. Mashed potatoes is one of those things that you savor, yet for some reason almost always wind up absolutely just scarfing down because they’re so dang good. Likewise, the 500 free is something that you pace yourself at but find yourself going faster and faster as the race goes on. Maybe that’s just race strategy. I don’t know. In a way, that sprint for the last 100 or so is the equivalent of that glorious moment when you dip the turkey in the gravy and for a few seconds there it’s just pure bliss.
Green Bean Casserole: Corkscrew
In the words of a man I recently saw ranking Thanksgiving sides on TikTok, “Nobody knows what the hell this is.” If we’re being honest, what exactly IS green bean casserole? It’s named for the green beans, but the beans are outdone by the fried onions in a similar fashion to how Coldplay was outdone by Beyonce and Bruno Mars in the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show, and being the massive Coldplay fan that I am it pained me greatly to say that.
Now we continue onto corkscrew – or rather, what exactly it is. Is it a “fun” activity to do on the last day of practice? Is it a drill? No one seems to know. All I know is that my lane becomes a pinball machine whenever I do it, and I finish feeling like the time I went to the state fair and rode the starship ride (if you know, you know) and the tilt-a-whirl at the state fair back-to-back. I’ve never actually had a bad experience with green bean casserole, but I assume that prepared by the wrong person it would give me the same experience.
Dinner Rolls: 200/400IM
Dinner rolls are the IM swimmer of Thanksgiving dinner in that they can be had with almost anything. They’re good piping hot with butter right out of the oven, and even better 10 minutes later when you stuff them with mashed potatoes. They’re a great snack between dinner and dessert when you inevitably get hungry again and they’re sitting in a bag on the kitchen counter. The day after, they form the cornerstone of the world-famous Thanksgiving sandwich, when probably every family in America digs out the leftovers from the night before to try and get rid of them.
Corn: 1000 Freestyle
Corn isn’t terrible, but it’s also not great. It’s the Cowboys of Thanksgiving dinner – both always have an incredibly mediocre performance, but it wouldn’t really be Thanksgiving dinner without it. It’s also somewhat hampered by the fact that corn is best enjoyed on the cob, and July 4 already has that spot reserved. For these reasons, I give corn the 1000 freestyle. Just as it’s kind of hard to enjoy corn when it’s not on the cob (fork? spoon? there really isn’t any good utensil for it), it’s hard to enjoy the 1000 free because it’s only done during dual meets. And just as the Fourth of July takes the cake for when corn is truly enjoyable, the 1000 is what winds up on the big stage.
Cranberry Sauce: 200 Fly
There are many things you either love or hate: Tom Brady, cranberry sauce, and the 200 fly are a few of them. There’s a correlation here – if you ignore Brady like I try to do because the sight of him in a Buccaneers jersey just looks so incredibly wrong, it’s that the 200 fly and cranberry sauce are both things you either love or absolutely hate.
I’d like to think my argument stands up. According to a 2019 Harris Poll, twenty-nine percent of people said that they don’t like cranberry sauce but eat it anyway. In my mind, this translates to the people who don’t really enjoy it, but their coach makes them swim it. I’m forever thanking my lucky stars that I look like a drowning whale whenever I swim fly, preventing me from this fate. What’s really telling about this is survey is that just like I said, nearly half of Americans(46%) say that it’s disgusting.
Where does the 200 fly factor in here? In my opinion, the 200 fly is one of the hardest events there is, so it wouldn’t be unreasonable to figure that most people outside of those who specialize in butterfly and maybe those people who are down to swim literally anything probably don’t have much of a desire unless just thrown into it, like I was in the team “Mystery Meet” on the last day of training trip my freshman year.
Pumpkin Pie: 400 free relay
Pumpkin pie is, like the 400 free relay is the last event at most championship meets, what finishes the event that is Thanksgiving. If you’re not spending the night, it’s the last thing before that last glass of wine/warming up the car. The 400 free relay is a lot like pumpkin pie – you’re excited about it, but eating it can sometimes be a laborious process.
The similarities don’t stop there. When you’re eating that pumpkin pie, you’re probably a bit tired; whether that’s from the post-dinner food coma, the post-dinner walk or a Super Smash marathon with your cousins is up for debate. Likewise, by the time the 400 free relay comes on the final night, you’re probably pretty dead; if you’re one of the lucky few that gets to walk out for the A Final of the 400 free relays, I applaud you for being able to keep it together for that long.
Stuffing: 100/200 breast
Stuffing is definitely an acquired taste. While it usually just consists of bread, onions, celery, and herbs, the unorthodox combination of ingredients – celery is good with peanut butter, veggie platters, wings, and absolutely nothing else in my opinion – means that it turns some away.
Likewise, the 200 breast is very much an acquired taste. I’ve heard quite a few people say that it’s the hardest race, and even though I also swim the 400 IM I can see why they say that. It’s not the 100, so you can’t, but you also can’t just three-second glide the entire time; you have to find that sweet spot. If you don’t get your pacing right(this happens to me more often than it doesn’t) you might find yourself saying, in the words of Johnny Mendez, “Bro, I’m straight-up not having a good time.”
Mac n Cheese: The mile
I’ve never actually had mac n cheese on Thanksgiving. It’s always been a Christmas dish in my family. However, it’s apparently pretty common to have as a dish on Turkey Day, so I’m going to include it. Mac n cheese gets the mile; just like everyone loves the mile, everyone loves some mac. If you enjoy swimming, you’re either insane or like the challenge. If you’re not swimming it, you probably like it either because you’re not swimming it or because it gives you 30-45 minutes of downtime between events. Swimmers also need loads of carbs, such as cheesy, pasta-y goodness that is macaroni and cheese, to succeed in their events.
Normally, I would put a long closing paragraph here, but I really don’t think there’s much more to say. If this were a meet, my meal would be a literal bread sandwich-a roll with stuffing. Before I leave, I want to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving and remind you to be thankful for everything that you have, and hopefully, we’ll have a normal Thanksgiving next year. First, though, I have just one question:
What’s on your plate?